My story begins 43 years ago when I came into this world through a mother whom was half mohawk and half white, she resembled her mohawk side completely. My father on the other hand was European as you can see whom I resemble. My parents had their struggles in life due to the abuse they both succumbed to as children. Neither one of them was willing to admit they needed serious mental help, they did their best to cope with the demons that lied sleeping within them. But as I grew, these demons grew, reaching deep into their soul completely unaware of the anger raging inside them. When I was 2 my father stole my brother and I from our mother, it took two weeks and a court case for my mother to see us again. My fathers only ambition in life was to hurt the one he truly loved, which was my mother. My brother and I witnessed many beatings the police had been called but they always left without doing anything, for any of us. One of the times my father left my mother she had decided she could no longer cope, she felt it was time to end this life by self medicating. I sat with her for hours listening to her stories as she cried about the pain and sadness, she had endured her whole life. I was 9years old and she demanded that I not call for help until she lost control of her kidney’s and started to scream hysterically. That’s when I thought the ordeal was over, but little did I know how this trauma would follow me into adulthood. Their abusive relationship was on and off until I was 13years old when my parents finally ended it, that’s when my father arrived at our home to clean it out. The hate my father felt towards my mother was disturbing as you could see it through his vicious actions. He stole everything except for my brother and my bedroom sets and our kitchen table and chairs, he had even taken the light fixtures. When we arrived home after he had striped us of all our belongings, the place was bare it was frightening as we glanced at the disaster our own father had caused us. The electrical cords were hanging from the ceilings, remanence of his selfish act was left behind everywhere. That’s when we watched as our mother wept because she realized that this was now her reality, the home she once loved was now cold and hollow. I decided not to speak to my father ever again for the horrendous anguish he had caused my mother, brother and myself. The pain I was carrying from him was so profound that I couldn’t even say the word “DAD”, or I would burst into tears. I didn’t understand what was brewing inside of me, until now looking back at my-self destructive behaviour. I left home at fifteen and lived with an abuser, I became an alcoholic by the time I was sixteen. I would drink till I vomited profusely, when ever possible I wanted to escape reality. I knew I was in over my head, so I questioned my mother about moving home but unfortunately, she was lost in her own world again and told me “NO there was no room for me!” I yearned for connection and love, but my vision was so narrow I wouldn’t have seen it even if it had jumped up and bit me. I had no one to turn to so I contacted distant family and moved to the reservation, a different world than I was ever use to. I was running from my past hopeful something would change, but it never did. The treads of my childhood had left deep wounds within my spirit, I myself was unaware of the impact it would have on me throughout my life. I continued adding to the collection of pain allowing it to weigh me down, my vision was clouded by the trauma I didn’t want to accept. That love I was lacking; I thought I found it, but little did I know this young man was the mirror image of my father; selfish, abusive, down right mean in many ways. I can’t say why I stayed for 10 years, other than I had no connection to anyone or anything for that matter. Three months into the relationship and sure enough I was pregnant with a beautiful baby girl, something I thought I wanted more than anything. Someone who would love me, someone who would look up to me, someone who would never leave me. I was so deep within my own pain I never realized I was just trying to cope with the trauma from my childhood. Having babies meant I didn’t have to focus on me, my attention was needed in other places. Four years later and another beautiful baby girl arrived adding additional stresses to the bundle I was all ready carrying. I allowed this man to treat me in such away that I had buried my true self, I had forgotten who I really was or even who I was born to be. I never learnt that I was Enough, my parents were so wrapped up in their own lives my brother and I were just pons they would used against each other. These dysfunctional behaviors carried on throughout my life especially when it came to personal relationships. I always allowed fear to control every decision I made instead of listening to the spirit inside me and learning to dance to the beat of my own drum. After the last strand of our relationship had dwindled, I found the courage to finally leave him for the last time. I felt like I had been through enough and needed time to heal but at the same time because of the circumstances I had to move in with my mother and her alcoholic boyfriend. Understanding the situation, you’d know not much healing was taking place only more and more trauma was being added to my bundle. At this point and time in my life I saw no way out, I was feeling trapped living in the shadows of my mother. I had truly given up on ever being able to start my own journey finding my true authentic self. My mothers everything was far more important than anything that I personally needed or wanted, I knew if I didn’t comply to her every whim that there would be hell to pay. A year later and another young man came into my life but this time he came with a narcissistic personality and addictions. He was also very similar to my father; the only difference was he was sneaky about it. I knew from the very beginning he wasn’t right for me, but again no matter what part of me was screaming “don’t do it” I still never listened. I saw the signs, I felt the signs and yet I stayed for 14 ½ years with this man. People always say” it wasn’t a waste of time, you have two more beautiful babies and life time of growing”. I’m still not sure how I feel about this, but I do know I wish I had of awakened even sooner. Two years prier to our breakup I was slowly awakening to whom I was, I still wasn’t quite sure whom I was supposed to be, but never the less my eyes were beginning to see. Three days earlier I remember asking the universe to show me what I was doing so wrong, how was my life in such shambles. I felt like I was taking all the right steps to growth but for some reason I was growing inside, and my surroundings were worse than ever. Well those words hit me like a smack in the face, I found out about all the lies and deceit that had been going on for years. I saw for the first time what the relationship really was, I wasn’t looking through those rosy glasses any longer. I knew at that moment I was leaving even if it meant putting on my backpack and going to a shelter with my babies. I wasn’t going to live another day in this abusive situation or allow my children to be in the middle of it either. It had taken me 14 ½ years to realize what I really wanted and what I needed to do for the sake of my spirit and my children’s spirit. After I left, I recovered from the pain that I had buried deep within my soul from all the trauma I had stored in my bundle. It took months of reflecting, meditating, and learning to be gentle with myself for me to genuinely feel happiness from within. I certainly understand the journey of awakening now more than ever, I have weeded through more pain than I ever thought imaginable but never the less I have found the light within my spirit. Now its time to share my spark with the world and heal those who are in search of their own light.